HOWL 2018

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,

Every writer must be, at one stage of his life, forced to reflect on the timeless truth of this opening line of HOWL.

In the 52^nd winter of my short sojourn through earth, to be preserved on records as my life, I look back and look around and can’t stop wondering at the simplicity of this fact.

Haven’t I seen enough of how the best minds of my generation, too, withered away to waste, not just in madness but in various other forms of self-destruction.

The first was a cousin of mine; a brilliant mind with no parallel. Am yet to come across another person of such sharp intelligence and an equally wide range of knowledge on disparate subjects. Even after discounting the inflation of childhood fascination, what remains is still good enough to make you stand in awe. He managed to waste himself to alcohol. What started as a weekly indulgence, slowly became a daily requirement, then a compulsion and at the terminal stages, a continuous affair. The lucidity that still shone through all those layers of drugged stupor made you squirm at a life wasted. If this mind had not succumbed to the destructive force of alcohol………

Then came a period of lull, more due to my books-school-exams-grades-next exams… routine.

The world must have certainly fallen apart in that period too, while I was grinding away my school days and getting ready for the college.

In my college days the tragedy started to unfold again, and I was in a better position to start recording them.

A batch mate of mine, a state topper no less, let him remain unnamed, was bitten by Ayn Rand.

One day he was the usual fresher in college, targeting his grades, planning his masters four years down the line and WHAM! Rand hit him.

Hard.

A tryst with “The Fountainhead” and the man was not the same anymore.

I read the same book too. Admired the same, picked up few lessons, memorized few quotes (to impress young girls) and moved on.

Not he.

He was spending more time on the beach near my college campus, started to write his own version of the Fountainhead. He even named it; but years down the line the title eludes me but the opening line that he read out to me, eyes squinted against the smoke from his joint, bathed in a sick yellow light cast by the overhead interrogation room type naked bulb, still rings in my ears.

“There I stand, like a solid rock, like Scylla, while the endless waves lapped at my feet and often crashed against me, but never succeeded in toppling me”

He lost two years!

He was still in his third year with few subjects in arrears, when I, at a fraction of his intelligence and capacity, graduated and even landed a job before graduating.

He promised to me that he is now committed, and would be on the right course.

Sadly, we never kept in touch. It was before internet, emails, whatsapps, facebook and smartphone time.

I hope he is all right today. Probably yes. But, madness is a lifelong malady, might lie dormant for a while and suddenly erupt when least expected.

And in his case, it probably never went to sleep in the first place.

There were other instances, many in public life too; but they were all too familiar to everyone for me to pen down here.

The suicide of Robin Williams still unsettles me. If someone like Robin Williams can kill himself, I shudder to think what lies beneath the façade that we see.

The end of my college days heralded my work life.

Most of my observations belong in this phase (and counting…). In the 31 years since I started to work, how many have I been a witness to.

And how many variations?

Insecurity:

This alone must have accounted for a major part. How many competent people have fallen by the wayside due to this? It must be in the genes. Where this stemmed from is open for debate. A competitive school, insensitive parents/teachers, being the butt of the school bully or simply the eternal fear of the middle class morality.

What if I lose my job?

What if my idea fails?

What if A does not support my proposal?

What if B is undermining me?

Is my boss really happy with my show?

Most questions have answers on which one’s influence is almost zero. With the fear of the possible negative outcome of an act of commission, one often resorts to an even dangerous situation, an irreversible act of omission.

Acknowledgement craver:

An off-shoot of the insecurity gene. As much as money is important, the satisfaction of a non-monetary acknowledgement is paramount to almost everyone. The only difference here is how one reacts in its absence. Some brushes it aside as a representation of lack of maturity in the other and moves on. The other, wallows in self-pity, goes through the poor me syndrome and in the continued absence of the acknowledgement starts developing insecurity and doubts on self-worth and slowly but steadily disintegrates.

Arrogant and complex:

This person is a riddle, often to himself. This one develops an aura, builds a shield around self, that is impermeable. No one ever gets close. The moment someone gets really close, this person turns on the undeserved wrath full on the hapless well-wisher who doesn’t know what he did wrong. This well-wisher ends up in the first two categories and gets destroyed too. The arrogant and the complex one later sits and wonder why there are no friends around, how the world had become full of ingrates. The tell-tale signs of this person, on the way to sure destruction, are cynicism, sarcasm, lack of capacity to smile, suspicious, micro-management, unwillingness to delegate. While the destruction of the first two categories are probable, as it is possible for them to, at a specific point, to say “to hell with you”, and move on seeking inner peace, the degeneration of this category is certain. It is just a matter of time.

Timid and shy:

Not to be confused with the insecure and acknowledgement seekers. Some are brave. Some are scared. These people are eternally scared. Of everyone. They are certain that whatever they do, they would displease someone. As a result they remain below the radar and do as little as possible other than the job description. These are the ambition less, goalless, directionless cogs in the corporate wheel. They remain rather deep below the tumultuous surface and no shake up ever troubles them. They are never discussed, never disturbed and their job is never threatened. Mediocrity is their forte. They, by nature of their attitude, will never have a sense of any achievement, nor do they taste the bitterness of a failure. They marvel at people capable of doing something and achieving something and usually live with a low self-esteem. Do they destruct themselves? It is an impossibility as there is nothing worth destructing. They shrink in shame and wish to be swallowed by the earth in embarrassment in the company of able people.

Yes men:

This one is a product of all the above categories. Belongs to few of them and serves one of them. Essentially the most despicable person in any organization. Used by the superiors. Never trusted by the peers. And ridiculed by the subordinates. Often leads a comfortable life, on the outside, as this one ends up being the lackey to the ambitious and the arrogant by betraying the trust of the peers and subordinates. A secure job, so long as the usefulness to the boss is secured, and never a need to perform any worthwhile tasks combines together to keep the job aspect undisturbed. The realization of the worthlessness and lack of any value addition starts eating into the conscience of even the most abhorring specimen. Lack of respect and a complete absence of ethics result in the most deplorable state of being.

So, is life condemned to be lived this way making the anguished cry of Ginsberg prophetic?

Most obviously not.

Let us look at two examples.

The child asks “how do I not sink?” and you answer “keep afloat, practice your strokes”

You do not tell them “make sure you swim in red sea, wear life vests, ensure the pool or the body of water is so shallow that you can stand”

The child asks “How do I ride my cycle?” and you answer “keep the balance, keep pedalling, do not lean one way or the other”

You do not tell them “Convince the cycle not to topple, let there be a person running along with you for eternity holding on to the seat, make sure the road is self-balancing with deep ridges and there is not another soul on the road”

Basics, right?

So is my recommendation too, to not let the best minds of our generation be destroyed by madness…

What follows may sound like a text book advice, not practical in actual world.

It appears so, because we have contrived to make the obvious look like the most improbable, if not altogether impossible.

You have a conscience. You are answerable to that. Act in such a way that you are never ashamed of yourself. Get up in the morning and look at the mirror and the reflection does not make you cringe with shame. Go to sleep in the night, you sleep well, knowing you hurt nobody.

You are smiling, right?

Why?

Sit back and think again. What is impractical or unfollowable in this. 

Most basic things in life are simple. We are masters in complicating.

Uncomplicate. Now.