No, it is not the Bible!
Not Mahabharata either!
Not Iliad, nor Odyssey.
It is a CV.
Pic Courtesy: Google Images - Faking News.
Anyone who had to, either compose
a resume or go through one would know that it is true instantly.
While we are all exceptionally
good in identifying the charade that is a CV, we do the same things when it is
time to brush up our own CV.
The first CV is probably the
least deceitful. One probably fudges just the extracurricular and the hobbies. (The marks are not
fudged on the CV, they are professionally done on the mark sheets themselves! 😊)
It is rather easy to find the bloated-up
parts and what they mean in a CV that is from someone who is fresh out of
college!
Passionate about
cricket/football/badminton means that one played those games in free time – not
necessarily played at a top-level or represented the institute or the region.
Fond of reading means a proclivity to the most lurid of the books (Nancy Friday, Shirley Conran, Harold
Robbins) instead of catching up on the assignments.
Creative means good in copying
and tracing drawings
Interested in music translates
to knowing the popular song of a popular band
Ambitious means that the
applicant has dreams of making money, without having a faintest idea about how
to do it. If the person had such ideas, the said person would not be writing
CVs and applying for jobs!
Dedicated means no initiative.
Intelligent means good marks
(probably fudged, in which case the person is intelligent and creative) not the capacity
to learn and learn quick.
But once you have started working
and, inevitably, move to a different job, fairly at regular intervals, you get
to become an expert in the corporate lingo and even the most creative writer in
this world would be no match to you when you compile your CV.
Unlike the great works of
literature, this is not a done and dusted version. It is almost organic. It
grows, multiplies, takes shapes, changes shapes and the only thing that is
constant from the first one to the final one is that it is TOTALLY DISCONNECTED FROM TRUTH AND REALITY.
My son quipped to me the other
day, this was the trigger for me to start writing this blog, that when he needs
complete categorical entertainment, he logs in to LinkedIn and starts reading
the profile and CVs at random.
I laughed heartily along with him
and soon as we disconnected the call, I logged in to read MY Profile 😊
I heaved a small sigh of relief
as the damage was not extensive or ostentatious. Mine must have amused him but
was not a guarantee for endless mirth.
I do not remember my last CV, it
has been nearly 11 years in this organization, but I am sure I can find parts
of that CV to highlight the natural penchant for exaggeration, unsupported claims
to unconfirmable achievements.
Julian Barnes once wrote that the
story we tell of our lives are often doctored; with passing years there are
lesser and lesser people to question the authenticity and we lie more
frequently as much to others as to ourselves.
So true. Nothing explains this
aspect better than a CV.
Let me pick out few random
descriptions from actual CVs and give my understanding of what they mean.
1. The I vs We sign.
– Both are treacherous. There is no “one is better than the other” conclusion
that is possible here. The I person is obviously an egoist and an egotist and
will be a pain in the arse to any team. The we person is an equal threat. This
person is probably not confident and takes the shelter behind the we, if things
work out well then the person was an important cog in the we, else the person
was just a part and things did not succeed in spite of the person’s best
efforts.
2. Length of
sentences. This is a clear sign as good as they come. Short
sentences are more trustworthy than long, nebulous, winding, meandering ones.
The longer a sentence bigger a sense of insecurity.
3. Never trust a person
who can give exact numbers. They are 100% untrue. (pun intended) This
is an elaborate scam. It goes like this. The one who is reading is thinking
“Why would this person provide such specific numbers if they are untrue, how
long will it take to check these numbers, if it is a bluff it can be called out
quickly. Hence, it must be true” The one who wrote has thought about all this
already in anticipation. “It is almost impossible to get the exact numbers
between two industrial rivals, and as it is foolhardy to fudge a number that
can easily be checked, BUT WILL NEVER BE CHECKED,
let us pull a fast one” The whole set up is like a Le Carre novel, remember the
Spy Who Came In From The Cold? Even today, when I go back to reading it for the
nth time, I still get confused as to who is the real traitor.
4. Innovative thinker:
the one who usually asks the most unexpected question, not by accident, but by
design. Spends time evaluating all the logical questions and then throws the
most illogical and unexpected question. The accidental better solution that
results is then claimed as one’s own. “I triggered this unconventional
thinking”. I quote Joseph Heller here – “When King Solomon wisely said, “Cut
the child into two and distribute between the two mothers, the bastard MEANT
it”, the real mother saved the day and made him Solomon the Wise!!!
5. I have created
systems – Means this person will NOT work, will not turn in a day’s
worth of sweat of the brow. Like a ruler, this person would issue instructions,
hold meetings, disrupt smooth working and the outcome that is close to
resembling a set of operating instructions will be converted to an official
document and labelled as “systems”. One can be sure of bureaucracy, doublespeak,
vague outlines, an impossibility to pin down anything in absolute terms, contradicting
instructions and enough loopholes to make sure that the person claiming to have
invented the system can easily wriggle out when shit hits the fan.
6. Eager to move to
the next level – the current firm kicked me out.
7. Result oriented
– not to be confused with the results of the organization, that is incidental
and secondary (or tertiary….). the person is talking about results that matter on
a personal level. What is the compensation, what are the perks, how many
allowances, tax structure, severance package etc.
8. Embrace change
– this is the most singularly lethal signal. By change, it is clear that “others”
will change. The world shall bend over backwards to accommodate the whims and
fancies of the individual under a broad carpet named change. A decision is
already made by this individual on what needs to be changed and an entire
charade of playacting shall be orchestrated to shoot down every other
viewpoint, ridicule every sane individual, kill all innovation and implement
what had been already decided as “change”.
9. Team player
– this one must sit on top of the toxicity chart. A very convenient term. Under
this, rather broad umbrella, the person can cover the entire gamut of dirty
tricks ever thought about.
a.
Shrugging responsibility – check.
b.
Undeliverable deadlines – check.
c.
Take cover when things go wrong – check.
d.
Be a leader to bask in the praise – check.
e.
Develop a coterie – check.
f.
Keep the individual members of the team in the
dark – check.
g.
Set the team one against the other – check.
h.
Indulge in malicious character assassination
under the guise of bonhomie – check.
i.
Breed uncertainty – check.
j.
Sow seeds of distrust – check.
k.
Take on a role of savior and one-point
depository to solve all problems – check.
l.
Get personal and nosey – check.
m.
Be overbearing – check.
n.
Flirt in the name of humor – check.
10. Conversant
with corporate
way – can play politics and can play better than what you think.
11. Visionary
– can be disconnected with ground reality, a dreamer, can speak big so long as
there are no deliverables attached.
12. Excellent
communication
skills – Can shout. Loudest.
13. Strategist and
self-motivated – financial well being of self in the long term is
assured. If the company benefits, it is incidental. Blame shall belong to the
right quarters.
14. Known
for decision
making – will NEVER make a single incisive decision. The person is
not lying here. The person is “known” for decision making and not “actually”
making them.
15. Continual innovation
– constantly tinkering, often that which needs no tinkering in the first place.
16. Diplomatic
– can escape any situation, you can never pin me down to a specific.
17. Perfectionist
– a royal pain in the arse.
18.
Born Leader – One should set a filter to the CVs
and use Ctrl+F to seek “Born Leader” and if the return shows even one (often
more instances) – immediately BIN it. This one is a dangerous specimen. Not
only is this person suffering from megalomania but in this case a congenital
megalomania.
19. Proficient
in the following languages – can be certain that other than the first two
listed, the person is “proficient” in other listed languages to the extent of
asking “Could I have a beer/glass of wine please?”
20. Calm –
always capable of apportioning the blame/failure on to someone else.
If one wants to use the Ctrl + F
function to quickly filter out toxic CVs then the following words and phrases
can be useful.
Diligent, committed, mentor, team
player, I, We, achieved, represented, secured, strategy (and all its variants),
acumen, multi-disciplinary, result oriented, passion, decisive, responsible,
delegate, excellent communication skills, business driven, challenges, build…….
The comments section can be used
to add words and phrases that I have missed out for the Ctrl+F option.
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