Thursday, February 11, 2016

Men are from mars and women are from ……..I have no clue!

What cosmic conspiracy conceives such disparity between a husband and wife?
Why so many things have to be so different?
I know rhetorical questions ! Here I am listing down  what I feel are some aspects that have not been explored/discussed before
Simple things right? You use them, send it to a wash and they come back fresh and new for another round of use. That is the way I see it. All the time.
Not my wife. There are the following categories (most certainly not exhaustive)
Bath towels for each
Hand towels for drying hands
Kitchen towels for wiping hands
Kitchen towels for wiping vessels
Kitchen towels for wiping platforms
And each of them non-interchangeable !
A kitchen towel meant for wiping vessel can’t be used for wiping a platform even if it goes for a wash immediately after dusting the platform.
Sacrilege !!
I set about loading the dishwasher with a clear intention of giving her a break. I do not switch it on waiting for her to rinse and load her plate after she finishes her dinner. I retire to some post dinner reading. Clattering of COMPLETELY rearranging the loaded dishwasher flips me. No wonder I stopped loading the dishwasher.
View from the other side : why don’t you see how it is to be loaded properly instead of blaming me for redoing what you have done?
Honestly, I tried. Not once , not twice but several times. No patterns emerged. At least none that I could follow. I gave up.
I have four pairs at any time – one formal, one for winter, one for running and one for trekking. Period. When one of them is kaput, I replace. Meaning I buy a new one and immediately throw away the old one. Most of the times at the shoe shop itself.
And she……no comments

Often I chip in.
One, I like cooking. Two, she needs a break.
So I set about cooking a lunch on a weekend. Usually it is rice and one dish. I cook, clean and go for my shower.
On my emerging from the shower she’d be making rotis and dal and some raita too.
Rationale! – how can we have only a rice and a dish.
What break?
After the flames of eternal hope have died, one resigns and simply asks – tell me, simply tell me, what time are we leaving tomorrow? And by time I mean what time do we leave home? To be more precise what time do we start the car?
With such shameless pleading one gets a time.
Time for a woman is never what is readable on a clock. It is always associated with an event. Usually it would be – we will leave after breakfast or we will leave immediately after lunch. The former could mean anytime between 1030 and 1300. And the latter between 1330 and 1700. After almost holding a knife at her throat a time would be agreed upon.
And she will manage to be late by at least 15 minutes.
Catch phrase is at least.
And she will ask – why are you so grumpy? J
I like to enter the cinema hall before ANY activity starts. Often the attendant tells me to wait outside as the staff are still cleaning the hall after the last show. I have to be there before they show slides, the advertisements, the logo of the multiplex, trailers for the forthcoming attractions, some more advertisements, dim the lights and finally the film starts.
She has to explore what is available at all the shops, cafes, promotional merchandises. She enters the hall along with you with a reluctance that can only match that of a dog being dragged to its bath. She will complain about the cushion, about the noise level, about the people in the front row and finally when the film starts will fall asleep within 15 minutes.
How was the day?
My answer is usually one of the following three
Not bad
And out of courtesy I fall into the trap EVERY single time by asking her how was your day

It starts with “After you left …………..” and after a good 15 minutes all I would hear is a steady drone and grasp nothing. Will kick myself, metaphorically, and vow to self never to ask this question again only to stupidly fall into the same trap the next day and………..(play repeat)

Monday, February 8, 2016

The strange world of WhatsApp !

I have noticed the following universal pattern
1.   Friends: The usual list of acquaintances, many of whom are there by default through the contacts; one usually keeps in touch with a select few of them.
2.   Family: Similar to the above, a default group as they exist in your contacts; One tends to keep even lower contact with than friends.
3.   Groups: This is dicey and varied J
a.   The first is a family group: This is probably the worst of the lot. Usually initiated by an overenthusiastic family member, it grows alarmingly fast, and thankfully saturates soon. The admin adds people at random, many of whom appear only as a number and you usually have no clue about them. As the family is now spread all over the globe alerts are usually non-stop. This group reeks of hypocrisy. There is usually a good morning message (by at least 10 members) with either a bunch of flowers or some pseudo psychological/philosophical message or both. Thanks to the global spread the Good Morning messages occur all the time. This is followed by some banter involving three or four and the rest are condemned to read the same. Non-participation is seen as snobbish. Participation is simply not possible for any sane human being. This is followed by posts of personal achievements and that of the children. Escaping is not possible. Departure is not allowed. One needs to explain why. And is often reintroduced. The best philosophy is to remain silent.
b.   The second is the dirty group: This comes under various disguises but essentially a forum of all males (or all females) to get as dirty as possible under the cover of the virtual world. This is the forum to share dirty jokes. Most of them touch upon the hidden fantasies of the members. The main them is usually adultery and followed by spouse bashing. This is usually a no limit group. The level of depravity is limited only by one’s imagination or access to online material. As not a single joke is an original. Usually all forwards. Normally groups survive on mere forwards. Once in a while this will also be used for personal achievements to be advertised. Almost always with a smiley though no one knows why a smiley is needed. And once in a while a member will feel that the image of the group should be given a coat of sanity and a forward of TED video (usually never seen in full by the sender himself beyond two minutes) and it meets with the same fate at the other members too. Or some spiritual talks on how the world can be a better place. And on usual national holidays like I-day and R-Day, some Pak bashing is a norm. This is by far the riskiest group. As a person is usually a member of more than one such group. As a result one ends up forwarding the jokes to the same forum or the worst nightmare where one forwards to the family group!!!!!!!!!!
c.   The third is a small family group: Usually the immediate family. Initiated by the mother and only the mother keeps it active with the rest chipping in with monosyllables.
d.   The fourth is a momentary group : This is usually started with a specific event, and thankfully gets disbanded once the event is over. The event can be a wedding, world cup or whatever! This is the least of the groups that is really a bother.
e.   The fifth is by far the best group: Usually between three or at the most four individuals between whom there exists no pretense. The exchanges here are straight from the heart. The bullshit meter reads zero. Here one can say what one wants and no explanations are needed. The traffic in this group is usually low but the contents are far better and important.