Saturday, July 16, 2011

Madras Explained

I am from Madras. A few clarifications, facts, notes etc.

  • Madras is not the whole of South India; it’s just a part of it.
  • We are probably the people who coined the term “Eggetarian
  • Our politicians always win in a landslide victory. Moderation is not our middle name.
  • The cycle is fairly simple. One loots. Then loots more. We get tired. We elect another. Another one loots. Then loots more. We get tired. Then we elect the first one again. Play this on an endless loop.
  • People from my state DO NOT speak Hindi like Mehmood. Only he does!!
  • In fact, we do not speak Hindi.
  • When we do speak, you will wish we did not.
  • You have to choose between Rajni and Kamal. You can not like both.
  • In the past it was between MGR and Shivaji.
  • Chappathy (Roti) or Baroatta (paranthas) is“Tiffin”, never a full meal or part of a meal.
  • Nothing beats Filter Kaapi.
  • No, we DO NOT use coconut oil in cooking.
  • We can order Vegetable Hamburger
  • We read the entire menu and order Idli and Vada
  • We read the entire menu and order Naan and Panner Makhanwala
  • Every single time
  • We can pronounce H as H only when a word starts with that letter; in all other instances it is G.
  • Women do not find anything wrong in walking up to the end of the street in their night dress. (The one that looks similar to what Jayalalitha wears)
  • If she can wear it to the office, why can not we……
  • Two Tamilians will ALWAYS talk to each other in English
  • In marriage alliance vocabulary the complexion of a girl is never black or fair; its always “like the colour of a mango” – Go Figure!
  • Etc. is pronounced as “exetera”
  • It is all right to wear goggles in the night time.
  • Many in my state still believe that Indira Gandhi was the daughter in law of M K Gandhi
  • We buy a 72 piece Porcelain dinner set and lock it away.
  • Gift for a boy is pencil box; for girl frock.
  • Gift for a man is a Parker pen; for a woman sari.
  • Best spinner is Venkatraghavan.
  • Best batsman is Srikanth
  • Best umpire is Venkatraghavan.
  • Every home has a vacuum cleaner that is NEVER used.
  • We will buy all the best sellers and the award winning books, but will read only The Hindu
  • The driest region will have rains on Diwali.
  • We take our children to Marina beach and ask them not to get into the sea.
  • Our names must have at least one god’s name
  • A visit to a temple qualifies as an outing.
  • We like to put a cover on everything; sofas, tables, chairs, car seats, cars, scooter seats, scooters, tape recorders, mixer, grinder…………
  • We do not remove airline tags from our luggage.
  • Most of us have seen Sholay and DDLJ and understood them without knowing Hindi.

Friday, July 15, 2011

A belated review for 3 Idiots........

A billion Idiots
240 crores in 10 days. 5 star ratings in most reviews. A well orchestrated author-producer controversy to keep things in focus. Articles regularly that tries to draw the attention to every suicide in the country, as if it is the new phenomenon. Chetan Bhagat mentioned in his blog “Only those who have read the book and watched the movie can comment”. I qualify. Here is my list of grievances.
  1. Is it the same Hirani that gave us Munnabhai part I and II? There was freshness and sincerity in those two movies. The scenes were like the ones we had never seen before. In contrary 3 Idiots is stale. Space pen, a Muslim taking photograph of completely burqa clad ladies, starting of an induction motor – all these must have done the rounds on the internet a thousand times.
  2. The central idea of Amir getting a degree for Javed- Is it possible? Are not there ways by which this fraud would be caught?
  3. Amir is bound by a (moral!) contract not to contact anyone from his college after he graduates. He has to vanish into oblivion, leaving his beloved two idiots, ravishing Pia but it is all right to summon millimeter. Where is the logic? Throughout the movie he tells everyone to do as the heart says. Did his heart say it is all right to ditch the girl he loves, the two friends he practically hand molded? Why only millimeter? I am forced to ask the question that Kareena asks him once? Tum Gay ho?
  4. TZP generalized things to an extent after which parents of young children were not sure on how to deal with children who were not performing. This now makes it difficult for parents with college going children. Any child can now at any time drop in and say the college is rubbish, the grades have no meaning I want to become a singer, an actor, a wildlife photographer and God knows how many other professions that will surface? And what are parents supposed to do? Return the laptop and buy a camera? Get a school refund and buy a pair of dancing shoes? The makers of the movie have fallen prey to the bane of generalization and oversimplification.
  5. V V Chopra goes around making statements like “If the movie had been released earlier, one child would not have committed suicide”. This is simply megalomania. The solutions offered in the films are superficial and impractical. The movie is a fairly acceptable laugh and let’s not glorify to a cult status level.
  6. Chatur Ramalingams of the world do survive and often thrive. The caricature is unfair. No engineering college (I am an Engineer my self) which is application oriented can afford to have a topper who only does “ratta marna”. Simply memorizing will not take you there. The jokes played on Chatur (his stupidity and uncouth behaviour) are vulgar and immature. This tends to project a wrong image, already cemented by thousand other movies, that if you are studious and score marks you are automatically a good for nothing type.
  7. All middle class families have aspirations. The only avenue they have in achieving then is through education. Movies like this make a good profit and probably screw up a few thousand families with such hare brained chicken soup philosophies.
  8. The novel was clean campus fun. What was described in the novel was really possible. Ryan in the novel was not a topper. Raju did not get his girl. Cherian did not have a change of mind. That is real life. These honey coated endings are make believe.
  9. I do believe that our children must do what they want to do. It is the job of the parents to realize, that even for doing that, they need our help. For every Tendulkar that India produces, there are possibly a few hundred or a thousand cricketers, who ignored their education, and today are neither a Tendulkar nor any thing worthwhile. In the movie Amir asks “If Tendulkar’s father wanted him to be a singer?” But how do we know that Mr. Ramesh Tendulkar wanted him to become a batsman? As any other middle class Maharashtrian father I am sure his constant advise would have been “Playing cricket is all right but please pay attention to your studies”

It is the job of the filmmakers to make an entertaining movie and make a profit. My only request is do not take a high moral preaching ground and destroy lives. You have no right to do that.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

It would have been very funny if it were not so sad....

  1. The government will do everything in its power to prevent such attacks - Dr Manmohan Singh
  2. Be relentless in pursuit of the perpetrators and bring them quickly to justice - Same Joker
  3. ( The hysterical laughter you hear is from one Mr Kasab)
  4. The blasts are unfortunate - discovery by P. Chidambaram.
  5. We had no intelligence reports, they worked clandestinely - Same discoverer as above
  6. 99% of the attacks are prevented - Statistical (Self Appointed) Genius - Rahul Gandhi
My friends Mr Aditya Dalvi has this recommendation:
"Our leaders, of all levels should be stripped of any security privilege. They'll soon figure out a way to make India secure."
I second that.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Why parting can not be simple…….

Is it already close to three years?

Is it possible to develop bonds that run this deep in such a short time?

Is it possible that your departure will make a grown up, stable man, cry?

Is it possible that a woman, who needs a translator to communicate to you, can still cook an Indian lunch for you on your last day, and break down when you kiss her goodbye?

Is it possible for the girl at the café to miss you?

Is it possible for your secretary to refuse to accept that you are leaving?

Is it possible for you not to cry in front of them?

The answer to all the f****** questions above is YES

The only clarification I need to provide is for the last question – I cried at home, alone!

Bye Hunedoara! You will be missed, dearly.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Simple Pleasures

You fail to see any logic;
Almost everything is tragic;
Your life is, but, crap;
Oh! The simple pleasure of
Popping away on that bubble wrap :)