Do you cook yourself..............?

There are people who are not fluent in English and they know that they are not. They often resort to the vernacular language and do effective communication without causing much misunderstanding. This breed does not bother me. This group has gems like “that fellow does lots of gadbad, can not put your bharosa on him” etc. Though may not qualify for exalted company in the corridors of Oxford, they successfully complete what have set out to achieve i.e., put their point across without any ambiguity or I’d say rather with a flourish.

The other breed with whom I have often been forced to interact, adds new meanings to communication and ends up passing on information absolutely different and unconnected to what they intend to say. This group is not fluent in English but they think they are and what follows is absolute chaos, and from the chaos, may be, new phrases and languages are born. One of my friends belongs to this segment. A bachelor living with his friends, he often amuses me with remarks that are as shocking as they are original. On one occasion during a conversation he mentioned very confidently that he would remember his friend at 11 p.m. I was very surprised at this revelation. Not that I was interested whether he remembers his friend or not. However this candid submission of nocturnal remembrance led me to doubts of a different nature and I became, to say the least, curious. On further prodding it became evident that he wanted to remind his friend. This casual interchanging of two disparate words left me nonplussed. Six years down sands of time, he still remembers when he wants to remind. I admire the courage of this person who is at home in ascribing new meanings to a foreign language.

On another occasion, I, normally conditioned to his peculiar language, was still thrown into a state of utter disbelief when I inquired him about his routine dietary habits. I was hoping to find a good hotel he must be frequenting as I would be in need of the same due to the sudden decision of my spouse to proceed on her vacation, leaving me to fend for myself. “I cook myself” came the reply that knocked the daylights out of me. I could not believe the cannibalistic connotations attached to the probable confession. Pleading for clarity I deduced that he meant he was in the habit of cooking at home. I asked him, tongue-in-cheek, “who cooks your friend?”, knowing his friend had recently graduated and left for his hometown. It was a repartee wasted on a person not tuned to, nor has the capacity to understand, wit or sarcasm. Nonchalantly came the reply “who Vivek? Didn’t you know that he passed away?”

Amazing! He converted a graduate to a corpse with the help of only two syllables without batting an eyelid.

To cut a long story short ....................

“NDA assumes power” screamed the headlines. I concluded that there was a military coup in India, no doubt picked up from her notorious neighbor. Ever since my school days NDA meant National Defence Academy, and only a few quick lessons in real politics cleared the picture to me that this “NDA” stood for BJP and its allies. Scanning the newspaper day after day, I reckon, one has to be a mobile encyclopedia of all abbreviations to fully comprehend the news. 

Just the other day TOI (Times of India) reported that “MAMI will be held in Mumbai on November 24^th” From the caption I gathered that Ms. Jayalalitha will be transferred to either Arthur Road jail or the Thane jail’s “Anda cell”( the latter having the reputation of Mr.Sanjay Dutt as one of its  former inmates). Further reading proved I was grossly wrong and MAMI actually stood for Mumbai Academy of Moving Images! 

If you think I am exaggerating, please try this one - “Shibu Soren quits NDA, turns to RJD, BSP, SP etc.” I am convinced that with all these names he is bound to make the mistake of approaching the BJP after quitting NDA. If that happens my sympathies will be with him. 

It is not just politics that has its quota of acronyms. Armed forces are not far behind. Try cracking this. “AJT’s for IAF with MIG-21 says ACM”. 

To the less initiated, the translation goes thus: Advanced Jet Trainers for the Indian Air Force says the Air Chief Marshall. I have not completely translated as I am yet to crack what MIG-21 stands for. I am sure we all will learn in the near future.

The king in this field is however Economics. “Is a super regulator like CCI necessary with bodies like SEBI, TRAI and CERC around?” In the beginning it was the subject that was not making any sense, now even the language does not. CCI, which means Competition Commission of India, will actually mean Cricket Club of India if encountered in the sports section. This adds a new twist to an already grotesque tale. Mere knowledge of the acronyms is meaningless unless you also possess the adroitness of matching the right one with the context

Thus NBA read with SSP (Sardar Sarovar Project) should bring to your mind Ms.Medha Patkar while the same NBA on sports page will feature Michael “Air” Jordan of US basketball. Common acronyms with disparate professions are abound. ISI might stand for the ubiquitous mark on virtually every product as well as the elite Indian Statistical Institute, Calcutta or even the dreaded outfit of Pakistan. A more common IT that renders film stars (of late cricketers) sleepless in fact opens the gates for aspiring software graduates. EC can be Election Commission as well as European Council.

 Another hilarious side of these short ones is the interpretations that are offered, the origins of many are not traced. Thus MTNL stands for “My Telephone is Not Linked” and MSEB for “Monday to Sunday Electricity Bandh”. BPT, now MbPT, stood for “Bevada Peeke Tight” though it had many a teetotalers on its rolls. It’s also quite apt that management information system generates a “MISreport”. The quintessential ERP in many a firm now stands for “Enter, Relax,    Pass out”. The new IT chaps have a language that is absolutely unique. It might require at least a decade for us, lesser mortals to decode. Try this. “An infrastructure that supports AOL and which shall make the DBMS of yesteryears becoming BEMS of tomorrow”. Now whatever that means! (Used to be WTM in my college days).

I was never prepared for the day I came to know what “MRF” stood for. After all those ads of Formula1 cars, radial tyres, the only F1 tyre manufacturer in India, willow wielding Sachin Madras Rubber Factory was very anti climatic. This could have been a good name for a company making contraceptives (which incidentally is TTK).

To cap it all the effect of Big B on old classics like Sound of Music. The famous “Do Re Me “song was converted to

            “When you read you begin with KBC………”

Chleb

The plot was brewing for nearly a month.
Needing new challenges before the winter said goodbye we were rather pissed off when week after week the weather forecast remained atrocious.

What made it more painful was the entire week had excellent weather and it turned worse only on the weekends.

Hopes were kindled when the weather forecast remained decent for Saturday.
7 hours of sun and moderate wind with no threat of clouds or rains.
The die was cast.
A combination of the usually punctual Czech and an equally "fanatic-for-the-time-to-the-minute" Indian made sure that three of us left sharp at the agreed time in the morning.
The departure was timed to reach the parking lot of www.vratna.sk
at just the right time.

The players:
Pavel Sedivy - The leader of the trek - demanding and considerate at the same time. Plans a trip that tests your capability at the same time makes sure you are left standing at the end of the day (just barely.. )
Michal Sedivy - Pavel's son - Young and a natural on the mountains and a wonderful company - discusses Ayn rand and Nuclear Physics in the same breath (Not that there was going to be any talk on the climb...)
Yours truly - Bitten by the mountain bug fairly late in life - attacking every opportunity with a vengeance -  always looking for another new peak though knowing very well to keep the challenge within manageable limit

The plot:
Pavel explained in the most basic form. Repeating his version verbatim. "We will go small way through woods, cross to the next level along the level-line, and then keep climbing up and down till we reach Chleb after which is a good cottage for a nice beer and finally up a small distance to Velky Krivan and take the cable car down"

Only the last part looked exciting and having known Pavel for nearly 5 years I know what "small" meant 

The day's events:
We reached the parking lot on the dot. And started the usual chores of dressing up, checking that the bags had everything we might need and we set off closer to 0900 hours. Here Pavel stopped and pointed to a map which gave a clear picture of what lay in store in front of us over the course of the day.

This is one thing I have not understood to this day. If my destination is to the right why I set off to the left, walk further away from my destination, then turn back and make the most circuitous way possible to reach the destination !!!!!!

The initial stretch was good and easy, more a stroll through a park, mostly woods, not so dense, and sooner than I expected the first stop "Chata na Gruni" was on us.

The intention to relax started to vaporize when I looked  what lay in front of me.

I could not see any other route to the eventual destination (which as I explained earlier, stayed far off to the right inexplicably) other than this ski slope.

Seriously even Pavel would not expect me to climb a ski slope, I was fairly certain. I put on the chains and adjusted the cap and gloves properly and waited.

Pavel started the lead as usual and to my horror he started walking towards the ski slope.

I asked him "Pavel, do you seriously suggest that we walk up this slope?"

"Did not I tell you that we cross this particular patch along the level-line? Come on, it is not difficult"

I started and inched my way up. Literally! The snow was frequently deep, and given the slope, as my foot plunged it slipped backwards too. I refused to look at the top (which was anyway not visible, I know that these ski slopes twisted as they climbed and each peak one reaches is just a base for the next climb and the next peak) and kept keeping smaller and nearer milestones, the second pole, that small mound that looks like a cat, the next pole, that big fir tree on the right, etc... And Pavel was always ahead, often waiting for me and egging me on.

We reached some indefinite distance, the end of this slope was nowhere seen, and suddenly I froze. From the next peak I could see 5 ski-ers were hurtling down. I was in the middle of their descent. 

Two things bothered me. Would one of them take me down with him? And would I have to climb this much again, assuming I incur no serious damage?

They all had phenomenal control. I helped them by standing petrified in my spot. And continued again.

Much later, after Pavel waited on numerous occasions, we reached the next milestone of our itinerary.

Poludnovy Grun at 1460 mtr. 

The delight of having reached 1460 was nothing compared to the realization that the blasted ski slope was over.  

The joy was however (and obviously) short lived.

There were undulating mountains that rose and fell towards the ultimate peak Chleb and then a small descent to the cottage that held the promised warm interior and the cold beer.

I asked Pavel " Is there no shorter route to the cottage instead of going over and down unnecessarily over all these? " I swept my arm in an alarming arc to encompass "over all these".

"What is the point in reading No shortcuts to the top" was his reply - this was in reference to the book both of us were reading over the last two weeks - The unputdownable account of Ed Viesturs' account of his Endeavor 8000.

After the ski slope no subsequent climb was expected to be tougher and none of them did, some were difficult but were mostly manageable and there were frequent descents too to make it a little more tolerable.

But how can a mountain ever be easy? The undulating range had a narrow corridor on the ridge to walk. On either side of the ridge was a smooth unbroken (the one confidence boosting facet, as it meant no one had fallen down those slopes) layer of snow that led all the way

d



o




w



n.

I kept dragging myself to the center of that narrow ridge and the width was not enough to cover both legs and the trekking stick. 

The iron grip on the stick at the start of the trek had already dwindled to a mere holding. There were many instances when the stick just dragged along instead of planting down firmly and lending me support.

This is how the ridge and I managed each other..........

In the background one could see a potential storm brewing. Fortunately it did not come to pass. Few good things do happen when you are on the mountain.

Not everything is shit.

We eventually reached Hromove at 1636 mtr. Next stop was Chleb the intended peak at 1647 mtr. 

Only 11 mtr vertical distance. Should be easy.

As usual the mountains had a different plan. Pavel gave his demonic smile and I knew at once "game over".

I still do not understand why I had to go from 1636 to 1300 and then climb to 1647. The descent, meaningless as it is, was further hard as on our left, less than 5 kms away, was a sprawling green town. Not a bit of snow, all green and NORMAL.......

Everything was worth it when I finally stood at Chleb at 1647 mtr. Unlike Lysa Hora where i encounter more people than I would at the city center, here there were just 6 people. 

It was peaceful, beautiful and QUIET.

The cottage looked pretty close and the walk down to the cottage was quick.

It was 1400 hours and all I had since morning was a thermos of tea. I was not hungry, I just needed to reach the cottage, enter the warm interior and rest my butt.

About 50 mtrs from the cottage Pavel pointed to "Velky Krivan" at 1709 mtr. It was supposed to be a 40 minute trip both ways included. It was tempting. And I could have managed it. Probably I lost steam. The beer won! Michal and I opted for the cottage and beer while Pavel set on the highest peak of the range.

From the top of Velky Krivan" Pavel had shot this beautiful picture that captured the entire route that we traveled 

One can see Pavel's shadow in this picture

Half-way up the ski slope I said to myself never again to this stupid place. I departed with a vow to visit again and this time make it to 1709.

In summary, a beautiful day. 

And by the way Pavel crammed his back pack with 10 ltrs of water!!!!

Don't ask me why ....................

Men are from mars and women are from ……..I have no clue!

What cosmic conspiracy conceives such disparity between a husband and wife?

Why so many things have to be so different?

I know rhetorical questions ! Here I am listing down  what I feel are some aspects that have not been explored/discussed before

Towels:

Simple things right? You use them, send it to a wash and they come back fresh and new for another round of use. That is the way I see it. All the time.

Not my wife. There are the following categories (most certainly not exhaustive)

Bath towels for each

Hand towels for drying hands

Kitchen towels for wiping hands

Kitchen towels for wiping vessels

Kitchen towels for wiping platforms

And each of them non-interchangeable !

A kitchen towel meant for wiping vessel can’t be used for wiping a platform even if it goes for a wash immediately after dusting the platform.

Sacrilege !!

Dishwasher:

I set about loading the dishwasher with a clear intention of giving her a break. I do not switch it on waiting for her to rinse and load her plate after she finishes her dinner. I retire to some post dinner reading. Clattering of COMPLETELY rearranging the loaded dishwasher flips me. No wonder I stopped loading the dishwasher.

View from the other side : why don’t you see how it is to be loaded properly instead of blaming me for redoing what you have done?

Honestly, I tried. Not once , not twice but several times. No patterns emerged. At least none that I could follow. I gave up.

Shoes:

I have four pairs at any time – one formal, one for winter, one for running and one for trekking. Period. When one of them is kaput, I replace. Meaning I buy a new one and immediately throw away the old one. Most of the times at the shoe shop itself.

And she……no comments

Cooking:

Often I chip in.

One, I like cooking. Two, she needs a break.

So I set about cooking a lunch on a weekend. Usually it is rice and one dish. I cook, clean and go for my shower.

On my emerging from the shower she’d be making rotis and dal and some raita too.

Rationale! – how can we have only a rice and a dish.

What break?

Departing:

After the flames of eternal hope have died, one resigns and simply asks – tell me, simply tell me, what time are we leaving tomorrow? And by time I mean what time do we leave home? To be more precise what time do we start the car?

With such shameless pleading one gets a time.

Time for a woman is never what is readable on a clock. It is always associated with an event. Usually it would be – we will leave after breakfast or we will leave immediately after lunch. The former could mean anytime between 1030 and 1300. And the latter between 1330 and 1700. After almost holding a knife at her throat a time would be agreed upon.

And she will manage to be late by at least 15 minutes.

Catch phrase is at least.

And she will ask – why are you so grumpy? J

Cinemas:

I like to enter the cinema hall before ANY activity starts. Often the attendant tells me to wait outside as the staff are still cleaning the hall after the last show. I have to be there before they show slides, the advertisements, the logo of the multiplex, trailers for the forthcoming attractions, some more advertisements, dim the lights and finally the film starts.

She has to explore what is available at all the shops, cafes, promotional merchandises. She enters the hall along with you with a reluctance that can only match that of a dog being dragged to its bath. She will complain about the cushion, about the noise level, about the people in the front row and finally when the film starts will fall asleep within 15 minutes.

How was the day?

My answer is usually one of the following three

Good

Not bad

Tiring

And out of courtesy I fall into the trap EVERY single time by asking her how was your day

It starts with “After you left …………..” and after a good 15 minutes all I would hear is a steady drone and grasp nothing. Will kick myself, metaphorically, and vow to self never to ask this question again only to stupidly fall into the same trap the next day and………..(play repeat)

The strange world of WhatsApp !

I have noticed the following universal pattern

1.   Friends: The usual list of acquaintances, many of whom are there by default through the contacts; one usually keeps in touch with a select few of them.

2.   Family: Similar to the above, a default group as they exist in your contacts; One tends to keep even lower contact with than friends.

3.   Groups: This is dicey and varied J

a.   The first is a family group: This is probably the worst of the lot. Usually initiated by an overenthusiastic family member, it grows alarmingly fast, and thankfully saturates soon. The admin adds people at random, many of whom appear only as a number and you usually have no clue about them. As the family is now spread all over the globe alerts are usually non-stop. This group reeks of hypocrisy. There is usually a good morning message (by at least 10 members) with either a bunch of flowers or some pseudo psychological/philosophical message or both. Thanks to the global spread the Good Morning messages occur all the time. This is followed by some banter involving three or four and the rest are condemned to read the same. Non-participation is seen as snobbish. Participation is simply not possible for any sane human being. This is followed by posts of personal achievements and that of the children. Escaping is not possible. Departure is not allowed. One needs to explain why. And is often reintroduced. The best philosophy is to remain silent.

b.   The second is the dirty group: This comes under various disguises but essentially a forum of all males (or all females) to get as dirty as possible under the cover of the virtual world. This is the forum to share dirty jokes. Most of them touch upon the hidden fantasies of the members. The main them is usually adultery and followed by spouse bashing. This is usually a no limit group. The level of depravity is limited only by one’s imagination or access to online material. As not a single joke is an original. Usually all forwards. Normally groups survive on mere forwards. Once in a while this will also be used for personal achievements to be advertised. Almost always with a smiley though no one knows why a smiley is needed. And once in a while a member will feel that the image of the group should be given a coat of sanity and a forward of TED video (usually never seen in full by the sender himself beyond two minutes) and it meets with the same fate at the other members too. Or some spiritual talks on how the world can be a better place. And on usual national holidays like I-day and R-Day, some Pak bashing is a norm. This is by far the riskiest group. As a person is usually a member of more than one such group. As a result one ends up forwarding the jokes to the same forum or the worst nightmare where one forwards to the family group!!!!!!!!!!

c.   The third is a small family group: Usually the immediate family. Initiated by the mother and only the mother keeps it active with the rest chipping in with monosyllables.

d.   The fourth is a momentary group : This is usually started with a specific event, and thankfully gets disbanded once the event is over. The event can be a wedding, world cup or whatever! This is the least of the groups that is really a bother.

e.   The fifth is by far the best group: Usually between three or at the most four individuals between whom there exists no pretense. The exchanges here are straight from the heart. The bullshit meter reads zero. Here one can say what one wants and no explanations are needed. The traffic in this group is usually low but the contents are far better and important.

Brave New World !!!

The impossibility of planning a vacation

Bali

Paris

Beirut

Istanbul

Jakarta

Bombay

Brussels

Munich

London

New York

Thank you dear World , much obliged!

Failure !

I was talking to a child

I asked the following question.

Could you please tell me the opposite of a word if I ask you?

Yes, answered the child. It followed thus

Black         White

Day           Night

Good         Bad

Life           Death

India          Pakistan

Christian      Muslim

I can see a tragedy

But who failed here?

What follows is my thought process

Not a doctrine, not a recommendation not even a comment

We are walking into the trap of the compulsive need to categorize and generalize

Why do we have to see a person with

-    Religion

-    Nationality

-    Race

To form an opinion and nurse a relationship

Again my belief

We need to see only if the person is

Kind or not

As any act that you initiate and do that is soaked in kindness can NEVER be wrong.