The prime driver

A question often runs through one’s mind or is asked frequently or at least contemplated in solitude.

What drives our lives?

Is it a purpose? – too vague a canvas.

Is it a goal? – same as before, and also they keep changing.

And honestly, how many of us can say truthfully that we have a purpose or a goal. Most of us carry on our lives with more or less the following widely accepted needs/requirements/norms.

•         Good education
•          A decent job
•          Reasonable income
•          Family
•          Property – normally home, car, few material possessions
•          Good education for kids
•          Regular and routine vacations
•          Enough saved up to take care of retirement

All right, there are a crazy few who would have certain adventures thrown in, but that is an aberration than the norm.

Very little originality there, and no one is to blame, we follow what are considered norms and it is no surprise that the road we take is invariably identical to another that someone else would take.

If one were to travel, by road, from city A to city B, how many variations would be there? Not many, right. So, it is no surprise that if I were to start with what drives my life, or our lives, I may not have results that are too different.

After considerable thoughts, I arrive at my deduction that fear drives our lives.

Everything else is just a derivative.

If you start at the very beginning, one comes to the surprising realization, that there is very little that one chooses on his/her own, till it is almost, usually, late when what you choose is not a free choice but a choice from a limited, pre-defined, set of alternatives available in front of you, as a result of the road that you had already travelled, on which you did not exercise a choice in the first place. At this point the choice one makes does not alter the fundamentals, it slightly alters the course, if at all, by a fraction. The extent to which the course is altered is frequently too insignificant, the reason being that the choice to completely throw the course entirely different is not exercised due to fear.

If one leaves the gray period of early childhood where consciousness does not set in, one would reach a stage of school going pivotal point in life.

You can see, the course is already set.

Grow up, go to school!

Why a school, which school, why exams, what does one study – none of this is ever questioned.

Going to school is the start of life.

Can a child avoid formal education?

The question is rhetoric. The alternative does not exist.

Let me increase the stakes here to paint the harsh reality as I see it now, albeit late in my life as well.

Children(read you and me and everyone else) go to school, because the parents “fear” the alternative.

What would one do if a child does not go to school?

Do we have something to keep the child occupied?

For the 15 years which is otherwise taken care of by “education”.

We shudder at the prospect of vacations. What shall we do to keep the child occupied during the vacations?

Send them to practice sports – driving factor? – fear of “being less talented than other children’

Go on a fancy holiday – driving factor? – fear of being compared and be found less than X or Y.

Let’s get out of parent bashing mode.

Let’s get into self-assessment mode.

What do we do when school ends?

The dice is already loaded. Having started schooling, the logical extensions are college, more college, job, marriage, home, kids…the cycle starts to repeat before we realize that our cycle is still going on.

Fear of being branded a failure,

Fear of not living up to the expectations of our parents,

Fear of not coming first,

Fear of not landing that top league university,

Fear of not landing that cushy job,

Fear of not winning that competition,

Fear of taking the courage to live life differently,

Fear of avoiding a need of marriage,

Fear of needing to ensure that our children do well (in our viewpoint),

Fear of not having enough saved up,

Fear of being honest,

Fear to step out of comfort zone,

……..

Every conscious decision one gets to make is based on a certain aspect or other of fear in one form or the other.

By the time you reach an age and clarity of vision to live your life on your own call, you realize it is already Hobson’s choice, you are entwined in so many commitments(all out of fear at one stage in your life) it just is not possible for you to go and take the plunge.

I will speak for myself. I have this clarity now. I know my life and the lives of my children were dictated by this fear factor. I can look back with absolute clarity and see at what point a decision could have been different or better.

Would I do any different, with all this amassed wisdom, mostly in hindsight, with the children of my children?

Or encourage my children to do things differently with their children?

Probably not.

And if you pay a little attention here, I have already made the first cardinal sin.

I created a family for my children as if that is a given.

Even in my imagination, I am unable to think up a different life for my children.

I would love to, but I probably can’t, because I am afraid!

Never Explain

How many times in your life you have found yourself at a crossroad of walking away or needing to explain?

And how many times, stupidly, you have chosen to explain?

Have explanations ever changed how things played out, the perceptions of the other or improved relationships?

We offer an explanation to alter these three outcomes, mostly, don’t we?

I am talking about explanations that describe, define or defend actions and behaviours.

Not empirical explanations like Blue Turns Red in acid or why the ocean is blue.

One often comes across a point in life where an explanation is required and often demanded.

The premise is already a loaded dice.

An explanation is required/demanded/offered when trust is lost/shaken.

Trust is not a small thing.

Where there is trust, no explanation is ever needed.

When the trust is shaken or gone, no explanation is sufficient.

It can’t bring back the trust.

A trust thus brought/bought is not worth it as it will be shaken again at the slightest provocation or excuse.

One ends up spending the rest of the life placating the lost trust and cajoling it back to its original unblemished version.

Sadly this does not happen as it is not possible.

Trust is like a virgin. There is nothing called a 99% virgin.

You are either a virgin or you are screwed.

So it is with trust.

The trust is either there or, pun intended, you are screwed.

Paradise could have been regained by Milton but there is no recorded evidence of a trust regained.

The next time you are facing the quandary of composing an explanation, stop for a while and think whether the futile exercise must be attempted at all.

It is a sheer lose-lose.

Either you win the trust temporarily, only to lose it again sooner than later, or you find yourself offering more explanations to support the first initiative.

Either way, you lose.

Moving on is a wiser counsel.

Resolutions

Do you notice that every new year resolution is more an advertisement?

A bit of a show-off.

A testament to one’s capability and willpower.

Harder the resolution, greater the person.

I will not drink.

I will lose 10 kgs.

(always a round number, never “I will lose 6.4 kgs)

I will climb the mountain. Multiple times.

I will learn to play a musical instrument.

I will go to Paris, Mount Abu, Australia…….

I will stop smoking.

I will read 52 books.

Yada yada yada…..

The world revolves around “I”

How about looking outwards

When will I get to hear resolutions like

I will be the reason why someone is happy

Three people will smile each day because of me

I will not hurt anyone

I will treat everyone with respect (be it my father or a total stranger)

I will not waste food

You like challenges don’t you?

Go ahead and tell me which will be harder to implement

Then shout from the rooftop on 31^st December 2017.

Allow for gray

Life is never binary

It can never be 0 or 1

When something is not black it does not mean it has to be white

There are different shades of black that are possible.

From Anish Kapoor’s blackest black to Morgan Freeman’s whitest white,  the shades that exist could be countless.

If someone is not your friend, he/she does not automatically become your enemy.

There is a fundamental issue with which we approach the language. As George Orwell rightly warned, language is not just a medium to formulate our thought, it could at times direct our thoughts.

When the language we learn teaches us that the opposite of a friend is an enemy, the problem has already taken root. It can only grow and poison further.

I would venture to say that the opposite of “a friend” should be, simply, “not a friend”

Not a friend explains the situation in a more neutral way than an enemy.

When we are capable to accept a variety of options that could be explored and accepted the general level of harmony would increase too.

“Either you are with me or against me” stand is usually the root cause of all troubles.

Even an educated group of people manage to convert the art of debate to a chest-thumping, table-banging outright war of words.

Isn’t it possible to “agree to disagree” without the manic obsession to end with “who is right”

To quote Ayn Rand “Love is not just the absence of lust”

Is it too difficult to comprehend?

You believe in a god, any god and someone does not believe in a god – the two can discuss, if both choose to, and each can try to explain why they have chosen to believe or not believe.

The catch word here is if they choose to discuss.

What happens in real life is usually one person is challenged, provoked and dragged into the discussion.

The starting point is flawed. Right at the start, the expectation of the end of discussion is “one shall prevail”

What is this? Some sort of a territorial war for one pack of hyenas to drive out the other and claim the land?

If the two enter a discussion, absolutely unnecessary to start with in the first place, with an intention to end it by proving who is right, the trouble is ensured.

Let us accept the fact that the two in question could be reasonably old adults, they are not going to forego the years of their conviction over an hour of discussion.

Added to this already explosive mixture is another handful of gunpowder, which is their formative thinking process, muddled by an incorrect use of language, which formed the underlying miasma that the opposite of a believer is a non- believer. 

That it is atheist vs a theist.

What if the following options are all acceptable and understandable from the very beginning before a stupid lesson teaches you that opposite of a theist is  an atheist and permanently scars your psyche forever.

Theist

Atheist

Suits my convenience.

Depends on the state of my mind/living.

I do not fucking care.

Most of the discussions that I had been a witness to focusses on nailing one to an opinion – “don’t be a fence sitter, say yes or no” – why in God’s name(pun intended) is that?

I have chosen religion as an example.

It is an easy bait and more easily understood in context too.

The two sides that can be presented are endless.

Who/what do you like more

Father or Mother? (What an asinine question)

Cricket or Football?

Romance or Action?

Fiction or non-fiction?

Europe or USA?

Hindi or Tamil?

Musical or horror?

Comedy or tragedy?

Hope you are getting my drift when I say that each of these debate /discussion is doomed at the beginning itself.

The day we learn to accept that there are shades of gray between black and white and all black, white and the shades of gray in between are acceptable and can coexist, nay must coexist, life becomes simple.

Is the opposite of simple, difficult? Start thinking ……………………..

2017

Message for TWO THOUSAND SEVENTEEN

Trust all, few will disappoint you, the rest will not

Weak people need support, not ridicule or exploitation

Only the strong can apologise and say sorry, so be strong like that.

Treat everyone with respect

Hold no grudges

Observe without judgment (courtesy J Krishnamurti)

Underestimate no one; understand before passing opinions.

Smile, it is a simple no cost solution for almost everything

Appreciate the good things, however small

Never compromise

Don’t be a jerk.

Say positive things, criticism should be constructive

Express emotions. “Show no emotions” is balderdash. We are living beings, not Scylla the rock.

V is not for vendetta

Enable others to win. Life is not a race to have one winner. Shared victory is sweeter.

Nurture positive vibes in your children. Let them not lose kindness in the name of competition.

Travel whenever you can, to a new destination. There is no better teacher.

Explain nothing. Explanation is needed where trust is lost. When trust is lost, there is nothing to be gained by explaining. A trust thus regained will be lost again.

Earn for the needs. Not to live like someone else. Not for needless luxuries.

New friends do not mean old friends cease to exist. Friends do not come with a cap on the numbers.

Off the shelf Editor.

I recently wrote a template to make the lives of cricket reporters easy by providing them with a ready-made write-up. All that will be needed is to cut and paste from the template depending on the result. I now try a similar task, this time for the editors to just pick from the following headlines after an incident.

When MNS, BSP, SP, Cong, BJP or anyone else runs riot and take law into their hands

·         The Guilty Must Be Punished

·         Lets Not Allow Talibanisation of India

·         Shame Thy Country!

·         Indian Democracy Hangs its Head in Shame

·         Goonda Raj!!

            All these must be on the front page with a comment- Read the Editorial on page    15.

            After a terrorist attack

·         We Will Not Tolerate!

·         Give a Fitting Response

·         Peaceful Negotiation Must Be Pursued

·         Mumbai’s Spirit Will Not Be Broken (Mumbai is the usual victim,   else remember to change the city name)

·         We Will Emerge Stronger

·         The World Must Unite Against Terrorism

·         A High Level Inquiry Committee Will Investigate says the PM

            After yet another monsoon fury

·      BMC caught napping

·     Pre-monsoon promises washed away ( Add a photograph of flooded streets)

·     Mumbai subways flooded (Milan subway, the ever reliable!)

·     Traffic comes to a standstill ( Preferably with some landmark seen in the background)

·    Mumbai’s lifeline is paralyzed ( Another photograph with at least  two trains with the flooded tracks in the foreground)

·     Mumbai Marooned (King’s Circle!)

            Here the same photographs that you have been using for the last 15 years can be    repeated.

            After yet another Olympics

·         Billion dreams lie shattered

·         Indian Hockey Team fails – Again!!

·         Leander Paes misses Bronze!

·         Ace shuttlers fail to serve!

·        Lee-Hesh fails to put nation above self

·     Why India Can Not Win a Medal ?– Special Report By Kapil L P Dhongra ( Eminent Sports Psychologist – If the pun is noticed, you are good in proofreading)

            After Andhra Faces yet another Cyclone

·         Declare It As A National Calamity pleads Andhra CM*

·         Relief Operation in full swing/ at war footing.

·         Aerial Survey By PM and Andhra CM

·         Losses Estimated at 20,000 crores.

·         Spread of Infectious Diseases looms!

·         Pandemic looms large!!

            *- To the uninitiated – In case of a calamity the state does not have to return the    aid to centre.

            When a person of Indian origin wins any award

·        So and So makes India Proud

·       So and So , a person of Indian origin wins Nobel/Bigg Boss/   National Idol/ Ignoble/ Talent Hunt

·       My Grandfather left India in 1895 , says the winner

·       I Visited Chennai in 1983 gushes the winner

·       He was always smart – says the neighbour

·       PM , President and others convey their congratulations

           

            After heavy rains lash any city

·         Met department forecasts heavy rains for next 48 hours

·       It is due to south east / north west depression says Met director (Always remember that the depression should not be from a single direction)

·       Nonseasonal rains destroy crops

·       Essential commodities become dear after the nonseasonal rains

            When someone wins in a game other than cricket

·         So and So makes a cricket crazy country proud

·       India should focus more on ……….. (Fill the category here) laments the new champion.

·       I wish to get a reception similar to the one that our cricketers get quips the champion.

·      This achievement is bigger than 1983 world cup says the coach.

            The moral of the story is there is no escaping cricket in India.

            Before the release of any movie

·         The story is different says the director

·         This is my best performance till date promises ………

·         I have a small but significant role in the movie says ………

·         It will be a complete entertainment for the whole family assures the producers (This is after the movie is granted a “A” certificate)

·         Indian film industry had never attempted anything this big!!!

These are general guide lines. 

An innovative editor can decorate this further. 

All the punctuation marks, like the single exclamation mark (!) and the double   exclamation marks (!!) are mandatory. 

They have been tested and found to be  effective over the past years. 

In addition to this, there are other stories that are inevitable that are also seasonal. 

Like when the results of the board are out you have to locate someone who performed despite the odds, 

the Muslim who protected a Hindu boy during the riots, 

the rickshaw driver who returned the bag containing valuables and cash, 

the baby that survived miraculously after falling on tracks and coming under the train, 

the child who falls into a bore well or an open drain, 

the housing society that’s flooded and the society that stays without water for three weeks and so on. 

These are so regular that no one reads these reports any more and hence are not that important. 

In fact a new editor can hone his skills on these occurrences.

Hoping that the taxing job of an editor is made a little easier!!